Mythology Retold
by Bellatrix567
Summary: These are the Greek myths retold somewhat. Each chapter is a Greek myth (slightly altered). Borderline rated M.
1. Chapter 1: Hades and Persephone

**I came up with this idea when I realized my mom knew nothing about the Greek myths. I started telling her about Hades and Persephone, but I got bored, so I changed it a little - curse words make life more interesting. I don't know the myths perfectly, and I messed up some of the facts on purpose, so yeah...  
**

One bright sunny day Persephone was skipping along the road when the ground opened up and she fell into a hole.

"Damn it!" Persephone screamed, getting up and brushing off her dress. Then the ground _really _opened up into more than just a hole and Hades came out and carried her under.

Hades loved Persephone because she was so beautiful. He needed his eyes checked, because actually _Aphrodite_ was the goddess of beauty. And love. But she was already married to Hephaestus and was in a relationship with Ares (Zeus' kids), so he needn't bother.

So Persephone allowed herself to be dragged down to the Underworld. She for some reason didn't eat anything, but she didn't know she wasn't supposed to (for it is Athena who is the goddess of wisdom).

Demeter, who never really had gotten over the point of Persephone being around 18,000 years old and perfectly able to take care of herself, thank you very much Mom, started to throw a fit. She screamed and kicked and hit people. Then she went up to Zeus and was like;

"Dude, my stupid older brother is taking my shit - I mean daughter - again and Daddy Cronos is cut up into a million peices and Mommy is gone and you're the only one who can help so would you _please_ come and rescue Persephone?"

"Wha...?" said Zeus, taking a sip of his wine (or more like chugging the whole thing). Well, you could hardly blame him, after what Hera had threatened to do. He was now afraid to eat anything she offered him for the fear it had someone's dick cooked into it.

Anyways, back to the story...

"My brother's kidnapped Persephone," said Demeter.

"Was it Poseidon? I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!" Zeus screamed. "POSEIDON! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"FINE, BUT GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF MY BATHTUB!" Poseidon yelled back from the North Sea, where he was watching a dog swim from an island all the way to England.

"Um... Zeus?" Demeter said. "It wasn't Poseidon. Hades kidnapped Persephone."

"What the hell? She's his motherfucking niece," Zeus said.

"I know, and would you stop swearing please?"

"No. And that's your problem, bitch."

"But if you just talked to Hades..."

"I'll talk to him!" Zeus roared, sending down a thunderbolt, which blew up a whole village. "That's his message."

"FINE!" Demeter screamed. "SCREW YOU!"

And she went off to throw a fit and make all the flowers and crops die. Apparently this was supposed to upset Zeus or something, but actually it only affected Hades.

Finally Zeus got a little annoyed at Demeter and said, "Okay, fine, I'll go and talk to Hades. But you have to stop after that."

"I'll stop when I get Persephone back," Demeter said murderously.

"Yeah, have fun with that," Zeus said. He spent the next three days trying to get into the Underworld. Finally he had to dig a very big hole and leap through it, but it didn't work right. Then he asked Demeter, but she was a little distracted (something along the lines of "WHERE THE HELL IS PERSEPHONE!?").

Zeus went and asked Poseidon.

"I think there's a pipe going down to the Underworld from the ocean," Poseidon said. "But if you want to use it... you'll have to clean my bathtub out."

"Your bathtub?"

"Yeah, my bathtub. It's a place you take baths in. Maybe you've heard of them?"

Zeus hadn't.

Poseidon told him where to look, so he went and found a kind of bucket filled with crap. Literally.

"EEEWWW! I want my daddy!" Zeus yelled.

"Guess who put it there, dickhead?"

"You?"

"YOU DID! YOU ALWAYS DROP YOUR CRAP INTO MY BATHTUB WHILE I'M TRYING TO TAKE A BATH!" Poseidon screamed.

"Calm down, man!" Zeus said. "Tell you what; I'll give you... uh... something. Like money. Yeah." He pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to Poseidon, who shook his head.

"It costs 100,000 dollars," he snapped. "And you have to stop dumping crap on me."

"Right," said Zeus. "I'll pay you back later. I need to talk to Hades."

"What's he done now?"

"I'm not sure, really, but he made Demeter upset."

"Okay, fine, go down for free, but stop dumping crap down here."

Zeus went down to the Underworld and got his ass kicked by Fluffy. Cerberus.

Hades came to see what his dog was making such a fuss about.

"Zeus, what are you doing here?" he said in exasperation. "I told you to ring the doorbell."

"Doorbell?"

"Oh yeah, it doesn't exist. Yet. But still - Cerberus was only doing his job as watchdog."

Zeus went back to Olympus and came back when his dog bites were healed. This time he brought a dog biscuit so Cerberus let him through.

"Hades!" Zeus thundered.

"Yeah? You don't need to yell, I'm right here."

"You have to let Persephone go!"

"Demeter told you to say that."

"So?" said Zeus.

Hades shrugged.

"Well... let her go! Persephone doesn't like it in the Underworld!"

"How do you know?"

"Because - why would she?"

"She likes having a relationship with her grandfather," Hades said, smirking at Zeus' expression of revulsion. "And it's not you who should be disturbed about that, either. And why's it any of your business, anyway?"

"Because Persephone's my daughter!"

"And she's my wife!"

"What - you _married_ her? Your own niece?"

"Hey, you married your sister."

"Still..."

"Fluffy!" Hades called. The three-headed dog approached and snapped at Zeus' dick. Zeus screamed and ran back to Olympus.

"So?" Demeter said. "Where's Persephone?"

"She's... in the Underworld?"

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Demeter screamed. "YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD! I TOLD YOU TO SAVE MY DAUGHTER AND WHAT DID YOU DO? NOTHING! DID YOU EVEN GO TO THE UNDERWORLD? DID YOU EVEN TRY-"

"Demeter, calm down!" Zeus said. Why was everything his fault? "I just... uh... went here to get something... from... Hephaestus. Yeah. I need a... weapon. From Hephaestus. Okay?"

Demeter narrowed her eyes. "Θα κόψει το πουλί σου και να το σερβίρουν σε εσάς στο στιφάδο σας το πρωί," she said to Zeus in Greek. It translated to 'I'll cut off your dick and serve it to you in your morning stew,' something Hera often said (and occasionally did) when Zeus cheated on her.

"So make sure that next time, you bring Persephone back."

"Don't worry," said Zeus, making a mental note not to eat any stew offered to him in the next few days.

So Zeus got his lightning bolts and went back to the Underworld.

"Hades!"

"What now?"

"I've got my lightning bolts!"

"So?"

"Let Persephone go, or I'll blast your cock off!"

"Fine, fine. I'll send her to you in a moment," Hades said, and left the room.

"Persephone!" he called.

"Yes, honey?"

"Zeus came down - again - he says you have to return to Olympus."

"Tell him to go fuck himself," she said dismissively.

"I tried that. I also set Cerberus on him," Hades said.

"Oh, really? Must have been fun."

"Yeah. But-"

Suddenly Zeus ran in and shoved Hades aside.

"Persephone!" he cried, hugging his daughter. She pulled away and turned to help Hades up.

"Yes, Father?"

"I've come to rescue you!" Zeus said dramatically. Persephone raised her eyebrow.

"I don't need rescuing."

But Zeus didn't listen. He picked up Persephone and carried her to Olympus.

"Hey! Let me go!"

"I'm saving you, sweetie!"

Hades followed, looking murderous.

"Here you are, Demeter!" Zeus said, dumping Persephone in front of her mother.

"Sweetheart!" Demeter said, hugging Persephone.

"Mom, let go! I-don't-want-to-come-back!"

"Persephone, what are you talking about? Of course you want to."

"I don't! YOU want me to come back. If I wanted to come back I would have returned weeks ago. Hades wasn't stopping me! He warned me not to eat the food of the Underworld, made sure I wasn't trapped there... which reminds me..." she held out her hand, and Hades tossed her a pomegranate. Persephone took a huge bite, juice dripping down her chin.

"Now I've eaten the food of the Underworld! I have to stay there - forever."

"NOOOOO!" Demeter wailed. "You can't! Zeus, don't let her!"

"She's eaten the fruit, now she has to stay," Hades growled. "And I don't see Persephone complaining, Demeter. I think she's old enough to make her own decisions by now."

"Fuck you!" said Demeter. "If you don't let Persephone stay..."

"Mom, I don't want to!"

"... then I'll stop all the crops from growing. The people will die. All of them. Is that what you want?"

Hades smiled. "I'm god of the Underworld, Demeter. Do you really think death will bother me?"

"I HATE YOU!" Demeter screamed. "I HATE YOU!" She stormed off.

"Love you too," Hades called after her.

"Look, Hades, I can't let all the humans die," said Zeus. "Why don't you and Demeter compromise - Persephone can spend half the year in the Underworld with you, and the other half with Demeter."

"Doesn't anyone care what _I_ want?" Persephone said. "No, it's all about Mom, how she needs me here - why do you think I like Hades in the first place?"

"Erm... why don't we let Poseidon decide?" said Zeus. "Whether you stay here or in the Underworld, I mean. POSEIDON!"

"WHAT?"

"COULD YOU COME HERE A MINUTE?"

"COMING!" Poseidon responded, and came running up Olympus a moment later. "What did you want?" he panted.

Zeus told him the whole story. "What do you think, should Persephone stay in the Underworld or up here, since Demeter and Hades can't decide peacefully."

"Look, Zeus, I don't really give a shit, but would you please stop dumping crap into my bathtub?"

"I'll fix in a second, okay?"

"No, fix it _now._ You said you'd fix it later; now's later."

"Poseidon, he's kind of in the middle of something..." Hades protested, but Poseidon ignored him.

"Come on!" he said, grabbing Zeus and dragging him to the bathtub filled with crap.

"There is such thing as a toilet, you know," Zeus said.

"I know, you asshole, but _you_ keep on dumping your crap into my bathtub! How many times do I have to say that?"

"No, I use the toilet!"

"And guess where it all goes?"

"Uh..." Zeus had never really thought about that before. He had always assumed that toilets magically make the stuff disappear.

"It's come from a pipe that leads to Olympus!" Poseidon said furiously.

"Then why don't we send it to... um... the Underworld?" said Zeus. "Just attach a pipe and..." he faltered as Hades, who had followed with Persephone, glared at him.

"We could send it into Tartarus," said Zeus hastily. "I mean... doesn't Cronos deserve that?"

"Yes, yes, of course," Hades said. He would know better than anyone. "But shove some air-freshener down there, would you? I don't want it stinking up the whole Underworld. Now, if you don't mind, Persephone and I will be on our way." He and Persephone swept past them and back to the Underworld.

**Review! Please! PLEEEASE! I don't mean to be demanding, but...**


	2. Chapter 2: Kronos and his Children

**Sorry I have taken so long to update! But you'll notice this myth is about three times as long and much funnier than the last.**

**This story used to be under 'Percy Jackson,' but that's really a fanfiction too, so I moved it to Greek Mythology. Sorry if this caused any confusion.  
**

Kronos

After Kronos had defeated his father, uncles and aunts and was now in charge of the world, his grandmother told him that one of his children would defeat him. Kronos had three sons; Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. His wife, Rhea, was going to give birth to three girls in a few months.

"What should we do?" he asked Rhea.

"No idea," was all she said. She was very busy, with three babies. So Kronos had to come up with an idea all by himself. He decided to eat his kids, because then they would die. And if they were dead they couldn't overthrow him, unless they became zombies. And if he ate them, they'd be all ground up into little bits.

"Rhea, I'm going to eat our kids," he told his wife one night over supper.

"You're going to feed the kids?" Rhea asked. She was helping Zeus eat with her right and and Poseidon with her left. Poseidon was covered in baby food. She was trying to feed Hades by holding the spoon in her foot, but it wasn't working very well. "That's great! I..."

"No, not feed the kids!" Kronos said. "_Eat_ them! I'm going to eat them for dinner, Rhea!"

"What - no!" Rhea screamed. "I mean..." she faltered under Kronos' stare. "You've already eaten. I'll cook them tomorrow."

"Fine," said Kronos. "I know you've had a busy day, Rhea."

She grabbed Zeus and ran into the next room.

"He can't eat you," she whispered to her eldest son. "You've got the biggest dick I've ever seen, and you know I used to be a prostitute. Maybe I'll switch you with my sister Phoebe's kid Leto... No, that wouldn't work, I've only got one day..."

"Rhea, come get Poison and Hate or I'll eat them right now!" Kronos called from the other room.

"Coming!" Rhea called, dumping Zeus on the floor to grab her other two kids. "And it's Poseidon and Hades, by the way. We're going to celebrate their first birthday in less than a week, I think you should know that by now."

"We're not going to celebrate their first birthday, Rhea, because I'm going to eat them!" Kronos bellowed.

"I know," Rhea took Poseidon and Hades to the living room, dumped them on the floor next to Zeus, and took her eldest son to his room. After tucking Zeus into bed, reading him a bedtime story, and singing him a lullaby, Rhea went to get Poseidon and Hades to take them to the room they shared which was also known as the cellar. Hades slept on a pile of bones and Poseidon slept in a fishbowl.

After dropping Hades and Poseidon in their proper sleeping places (which was far more than they deserved, in Rhea's opinion), she returned to Zeus.

_What should I do?_ she thought, _I would love to save all of my children, but if I have to choose one, it's Zeus._ _He's got the biggest dick. Poseidon's is average size and he's got huge balls, and then Hades' is just... icky. He's a disappointment. Ah well... I need to focus on saving Zeus. The other two will live, because gods don't die. Neither do Titans, though, so I can't kill Kronos. Then what...?_

Finally, Rhea came up with a plan. She took Zeus and hid him. Then she put a rock in his place. A baby doll might have worked better, but there wasn't time. Then Rhea took Kronos' glasses (for he was very very very very very nearsighted) and replaced them with ones that made the world look fuzzier. She went to bed hoping Zeus would be okay at her sister Phoebe's house. Their conversation hadn't gone too well.

"So you're saving Zeus, but leaving the other two to get eaten?" Phoebe said when Rhea told her what was going on, and asked her to take in Zeus for the night.

"They don't have big dicks, what's the point in saving them?"

"Excuse me, you should have a look at your husband's."

"How did you...?"

"Nevermind that," said Phoebe. "The point is, Rhea, you should run away with all three of your kids. You can hang out at my place."

"I can't carry them all at once," Rhea snapped.

"You're a Titan. You have powers for a reason."

"Please take Zeus, Phoebe, I'll do my best to rescue the others," Rhea pleaded.

"Whatever. But if Leto loses her virginity to your son, I might have to cut off Zeus' dick. Then you'll regret that you didn't bring Poison."

"Poseidon."

Rhea wondered why no one could remember her kids' names. Everyone, even their own father, called them Zoos (plural of the word 'zoo'), Poison, and Hate.

"Where are my kids?" Kronos growled the next morning.

"They're in the pot," Rhea stirred a cauldron of stew which she had dropped the rock into.

"I want them raw," said Kronos. "And I want them alive."

"Okay, honey."

Rhea took Poseidon and Hades out of the boiling water, then the rock. She quickly re-dressed the rock in new clothes, then threw the rock, Poseidon, and Hades on a platter, which she laid in front of Kronos.

Kronos tried to look at his sons menacingly, but he couldn't see them clearly. So to hide his embarrassment he grabbed Hades and started ripping him apart like a rabid dog. Blood and guts spilled all over the table.

Poseidon rolled over. It was hard to sleep when your stupid little brother keeps screaming.

Rhea cringed back. "Maybe you should eat the others a little more carefully," she said softly. She did feel sorry for Hades, but her main concern was that Kronos would realize she had swapped Zeus for a rock.

"Yes, you're right, my dear," Kronos said, now licking gore off Hades' bones. "I'm sorry if my table manners disturbed you." Then he jumped up and started licking blood off the table. Rhea retreated further.

Kronos grabbed the rock and bit into it. His front teeth fell out.

"Which fucking kid is this?" he grumbled.

"P-poseidon, honey," Rhea said.

"Thought so. That last one was Hate, right? He was all scrawny. Didn't taste good at all. Then the next one is Zoos?"

"Yes."

Kronos swallowed the rock whole. "Would have liked to rip him apart like Hate," he muttered.

Then he grabbed the actual Poseidon and ripped him in half. Then he swallowed each half one at a time. Rhea looked like she was about to faint.

"Rhea," said Kronos. "Want to make out?"

"Uh..."

"It's fine," Kronos said. "You won't end up like Hate."

"Hades."

"Whatever, he's dead now anyway."

"I've got to go," said Rhea. "Bathroom."

Rhea ran to Phoebe's house.

"I need Zeus, quick," she said. Phoebe handed over Zeus, looking at Rhea in horror. Sweat was running down her forehead from running, and there was blood splattered across her face and robes.

"Rhea, what happened?"

"K-kronos ate the kids... Hades' blood... I'll explain later," Rhea said hurriedly. She grabbed Zeus and ran to a cave in Mount Ida. Helped by some random mortal Melissa, a nymph named Cynosura, and a goat Amathea, Rhea raised Zeus in the cave.

A week or so later Rhea gave birth to three girls; Hera, Demeter, and Hestia. Hera was obsessed with marriage, Demeter liked to garden, and Hestia liked playing with fire. Rhea favored Zeus above all others, but her favorite daughter was Demeter.

Meanwhile, Kronos had to use the bathroom after a while. He had a stomach ache because of that stupid rock, and it got stuck up his ass so he had really bad constipation. In fact, he never got off the toilet until Zeus was all grown up because the stupid rock never came out of his ass.

Hades and Poseidon grew up inside Kronos, but being ripped in half/ripped into a million pieces, they weren't conscious. Exactly how Kronos kept from exploding I have no idea.

Anyway, when Zeus and his sisters grew up, they decided it was time to get revenge for the brothers they didn't remember. At first they didn't even believe that Poseidon and Hades were real.

"Come on," Zeus said, handing out weapons. "I've got this big sexy sword. Demeter, you can kill people with this" (he handed her a spear) "Hera, here's a dagger. And Hestia..." Zeus dug around in his pockets and pulled out a box of matches. "Here, you like fire. Now that we're all _extremely_ well armed, let's go kick Kronos' ass!"

"Yeah!" yelled Demeter. Hera and Hestia were too busy laughing to take any notice.

"There's a village not too far from here that can give us _real_ weapons," Hestia said, tossing aside Zeus' plastic sword. "Although the material they used to make that is like from the future..."

Zeus the hero went into the village and stole a couple thousand dollars worth of weapons. But he was a hero, so no one cared.

Then Zeus and his sisters went to Kronos' house. Zeus bowed to the guard.

"Hey, man," he said. "What's up?"

"Get the fuck off Kronos' land," said the guard. "Kronos is trying to take a crap, so come back later, okay? Who are you, anyway?"

"My lord, we are traveling prostitutes, and we have come to entertain Lord Kronos," said Hestia, bowing low. Hera and Demeter tried not to look too disgusted.

"Traveling prostitutes? What the fuck?" said the guard.

"Just let us the fuck inside," snapped Zeus. "I'll give you $100, okay?"

"Fine," the guard stood aside and let them pass.

Zeus and his sisters stole quietly through the castle. They could hear Kronos groaning and cursing from a mile away and headed straight toward the bathroom. Unfortunately it was a boys' bathroom, so Hera, Demeter and Hestia had to wait outside. Hera and Demeter were still upset about the 'traveling prostitutes' thing, so they wound up chasing Hestia all the way back home.

Zeus entered the bathroom and cut down the door to a stall. Unfortunately it was the wrong one, and Zeus got a quick glimpse of Prometheus taking a crap. Then he cut down the door to Kronos' stall. He saw his father, pale and sweaty, trying to get over the constipation he had been having for years.

"I have come to avenge my brothers!" Zeus cried heroically. He pulled Kronos off the toilet and reached up his ass to remove the rock. It was covered in crap and blood. Zeus chucked it in the toilet. Then Poseidon and Hades' blood came spilling out of Kronos' ass. Zeus wrinkled his nose.

"I didn't know boys get periods."

"That's not my period you BITCH!" screamed Kronos. "That's your brothers' BLOOD!"

"Cool," Zeus said, before he cut off Kronos' dick. He tried to flush it down the toilet, but the rock clogged up the toilet. Zeus pulled Kronos out into the hall and cut his stomach open. Kronos was screaming. Guards came, but not before Zeus cut out his brothers.

Poseidon groaned. "Zoos," he said. "Is that you?"

"Yeah. Are you Poison or Hate?"

"Poseidon. Hades is here too... he got kind of ripped up... sorry about that..." and Poseidon fainted. Zeus grabbed his torso in one hand and his legs in the other (Kronos had torn Poseidon in half). After stashing his brother in a broom cupboard, Zeus ran back to collect bits and pieces of Hades. He wound up using a bag to carry it all, because no one piece was bigger than Zeus' fist. He couldn't get all the blood, and most of it had mixed with Kronos' blood.

Some of the guards stopped Zeus on his way out.

"What do you have in the bag?" one of them demanded.

"Body parts," said Zeus.

"No body parts above 12 inches are allowed out," said one of the guards. "That's the rule." They grabbed Poseidon and tore him into 45 pieces. "You can reassemble them when you get home," one of the guards said to Zeus.

"Uh..."

"And why are you carrying a bag full of dead bodies, anyway?" a second guard asked. "Or, one dead body and... erm... body parts."

"Two dead bodies," Zeus said calmly. "They're both ripped up now, though. You see, I was hoping to make soup for my family," he said, looking at the guards with pleading eyes.

"You're a terrible actor, bitch," said the first guard. "But take your body parts. I don't want them. But those are gods, anyone can tell."

"THANK YOU!" said Zeus. Dropping the bag holding his brothers, he ran up and hugged the guards. He started making out with the first one, but the guard got scared and threw Zeus out the window.

Zeus fell in a flower bed with a yellow daisy up his nose. He pulled it out as the guards hurled the bag down after him. Blood splattered over the plants, and an eyeball rolled out. Zeus picked it up.

"Hi, Hades," he said. "Sorry about that." Then he chucked the eyeball back in the bag and went to find Rhea. He had completely forgotten about his sisters.

"Mom, look!" Zeus said excitedly. He dumped the contents of the bag on the dining table.

"Zeus, honey, I told you not to butcher wild boars anymore," Rhea said sternly.

"These aren't wild boars, Mom. These are my brothers, Poseidon and Hades! Isn't that great!"

"Sweetie, you know how I feel about jokes like that. They aren't funny. Please take your wild boar off the table, and mind you clean up the blood."

"No, really!" Zeus said. He was horrified that Rhea didn't believe him. He pulled Poseidon's head out of the gore. "Is this a wild boar?" he demanded. Rhea screamed. Poseidon screamed even louder.

"THIS FUCKING HURTS!"

"Poseidon, shut up," Zeus said. "Stop whining, please."

"Easy for you to say, you haven't been cut up into a million pieces."

"No, but I got a splinter once. Must feel about the same."

"YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!"

"Poseidon, stop cursing," said Rhea. She was staring at her son's severed head in horror.

"Zeus?," she said in a trembling voice. "Tell me what happened."

So Zeus told her. Poseidon added a bit of color, like how much it hurt when the guards tore him up.

"And I thought I had it bad in Kronos' stomach. THIS FUCKING HURTS!" Poseidon finished.

"Think of what Hades has been feeling for all these years," said Zeus.

"You didn't bring him, too?" asked Rhea. For Poseidon, there were only 45 pieces to sew together. For Hades, she would need a miracle worker.

"Yeah. He's kind of torn up, though, much worse than Poseidon. His skull got cracked into like 100 pieces," said Zeus. He didn't seem too concerned. Rhea sighed.

"We'll have to hire a doctor for that, Zeus," she said. "You'll have to chip in your allowance money."

"Aw, Mom, do I have to?"

"Yes, dear, you started the problem."

"No, I didn't, Kronos did!"

"Sweetie..."

Rhea was interrupted by the arrival of Hera, Demeter, and Hestia. They had returned before and Rhea had told them to go and pick wildflowers, which of course none of them did.

"Oh, great, dinner!" said Hestia. She grabbed Poseidon's balls and took a huge bite.

"Uh, Hestia?" said Zeus. "That's not dinner. That's your brother, Poseidon. And you just ate a chunk of his balls."

Hera and Demeter cracked up as Hestia ran to the hole at the edge of the village to puke.

"Hestia?" said Zeus when she got back. "You know there's this thing called a toilet?"

"What the hell is a toilet?" said Demeter.

"It's like this pot, but you crap in it. And then you press a lever, and all the crap goes away."

"Where'd you hear about this nonsense, Zeus?" Rhea asked.

"There was one in Kronos' palace!" Zeus insisted. "And he was sitting on it and trying to take a crap! The toilets are really small, and they're inside, so you don't have to run to a ditch at the edge of the village every time you have to take a crap."

"Cool," said Hera.

"Yeah, I hired some people to get one for us."

"I hope it doesn't cost a lot of money," said Rhea. "Because we're broke as it is, if we're paying for your brothers' surgery."

"We can sell the toilet, and that'll get us enough money for the surgery!" said Zeus.

Just then there was a knock at the door.

"Who's there?" asked Rhea.

"It is I, the hobo who was asked by the mighty Zeus to bring the toilet of Lord Kronos to the house of Zeus," said the man outside the door.

"Why... the hell... are you talking like you're in the Middle Ages?" said Demeter.

"Maybe because this _is_ the Middle Ages?" Hestia suggested.

"Yeah, well... we don't talk like that."

"Come in!" said Rhea. The hobo entered with a toilet slung over his back.

"Making dinner, I suppose?" he asked, eyeing the table.

"Er, yes," said Rhea.

"Mind if I have some?" the hobo asked, grabbing Poseidon's dick. He was about to take a huge bite when Hestia knocked it out of his hand.

"You don't want to do that," she said quickly, dropping her brother's dick back on the table. She picked up one of Hades' eyeballs. "This is human meat, okay? Don't eat it, or you'll be cursed forever."

"What kind of curse?" the hobo asked.

"You'll never be able to have sex again, because your cock will fall off," Hestia said. The hobo dumped the toilet on the ground and sprinted out the door.

"Hestia!" Demeter and Hera started cracking up. Rhea was clearly trying to keep from laughing.

"Right, then. Zeus, move this... this _toy-lit _or whatever it is out of the dining room. I'm going to go talk to the nymphs and see what they can do for Poseidon and Hades," she said.

About a week later, Rhea took her kids to see Poseidon and Hades. There were about forty nymphs, ten of them working on Poseidon and thirty sewing up Hades. Poseidon was sewn together already.

"Zeus!" he called. "Hera! Demeter! Hestia! And... hi, Mom."

"Poseidon!" Rhea cried, hugging her son. He cringed.

"Mom, he's full of thread the nymphs used to sew him together," said Demeter.

"I'm not, actually," said Poseidon. "They were going to do that, but it hurt so fucking much, I made them use this potion thing instead. And Zeus," he added. "Why exactly did you cut me up?"

"I didn't," Zeus said hastily. "That was the palace guards. They said the rule was no body parts above one foot are allowed out."

"They must have cut my balls in half, then," Poseidon said. "And speaking of my balls (they're so big, aren't they?), someone took a huge bite out of one. Do you know who that was?"

At this point Hestia got into a deep conversation with one of the nymphs.

"That hurt a LOT," Poseidon said, stretching. "I wonder how Hades feels right now." He glanced over at his brother. The nymphs were glueing his dick together.

Suddenly, a figure appeared at the top of a nearby hill.

"ZOOS!" it cried. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Mom?" said Zeus.

"No, sweetie," Rhea said. "That's your father, Lord Kronos."

"Oh, yay!" Zeus said. "He's come to thank me for ending his constipation!" He turned and ran up the hill. Poseidon tried to follow, but he wasn't sure how to use his legs yet. They hadn't been connected to his body for so long. And he could finally feel his dick...

"Zoos, honey," Kronos said nastily. "I ate you. I thought you were dead."

"Yeah. And?"

"And I want you to be dead," Kronos said.

"Okay..."

"Zeus!" Poseidon screamed. "That means he wants to kill you!"

"I definitely did eat you," Kronos said, eyeing Poseidon. "You've still got the bite marks."

Poseidon blushed. "They're going to disappear in a few days."

Zeus frowned. "You want to kill me? Why?"

"'Cause I do!" Kronos yelled. He pulled out his sword and tried to cut off Zeus' dick. Zeus dodged it and kicked Kronos in the crotch. Kronos fell over, moaning in agony.

"Cut off his dick," Poseidon said. "Grab his sword and cut off his dick."

Zeus grabbed at the sword, but Kronos took it and ran away.

"Chase him!" Poseidon yelled.

"I'll wait for Hades to be put back together, and then we can all go and get revenge," Zeus said.

"Sounds like fun," Poseidon said. "I'll slice up his dick like a piece of salami."

**In the actual myth, Hestia was the oldest, then Hades, Demeter, Poseidon, Hera, and Zeus. Kronos swallowed each of his children at birth (whole, to avoid minor complications such as the ones here) except Zeus, who was raised by a number of people not including Rhea.**

**The next chapter is a bit of a sequel, it's also about the war between the gods and the Titans.  
**


	3. Chapter 3: Athens

**Sorry if this is short, I did it in two days. I'm doing it on request (if you have any ideas, just say so in a review or PM me).**

**I'm planning to do a sequel to the last chapter. Titanomachy, the war between the gods and the Titans, was too long for just one chapter.  
**

Athens

One bright sunny day a dude named Cecrops, who had the torso of a man but the legs and dick of a snake, created a village which would, someday in the far future when people no longer worshipped the gods, be beautiful. He named the city after himself because it was HIS, not anyone else's. It was called Cecrops Land.

However, Poseidon and Athena disagreed. They both thought the village should be named after them. So they decided to hold a contest to see who the people of the village liked better. This was obviously a much better solution than both of them creating their own villages.

"How should we have the people choose between us?" Poseidon asked his brother Zeus.

"Just have them vote on whoever makes love the best!" Zeus called from his bedroom. He and Hera were in the middle of something.

"But that's not going to work," Poseidon said to Athena. "Because all the dudes would vote for you and all the girls would vote for me, but not all of the girls would come because of over-controlling husbands, so you would win."

"Then it's the mens' fault for being over-controlling," said Athena. "And I'm a virgin goddess."

"Everyone knows you're not a virgin," Poseidon said.

"Why, exactly, would you say that?" Athena said, her eyes flashing.

"One, because you were 2,000 years old when you became a virgin goddess," Poseidon said. "No one waits that long before having sex. And two, the other day Artemis was asking..."

"Asking what? I'll fucking kill her!" Athena growled. "I told Artemis not to tell!"

"That proves it! You're not a virgin!" said Poseidon triumphantly.

"Does it really matter?" Athena said. "And yes, I am! Artemis doesn't understand the difference between kissing and fucking!"

"I thought you weren't allowed to get into a relationship with someone?"

"It's none of your business, Poseidon," Athena said coldly. "Back to the contest... why don't we just run for mayor or something? We can introduce democracy. We'll have debates and make speeches and..."

"What the hell is 'democracy'?" Poseidon said. "Sounds like something from America."

"That's because it _is_, idiot," Athena said. "But it works really well. Democracy is when all the citizens of a given nation each submit their individual vote to discern who will..."

"What the hell? Athena, I don't understand American," said Poseidon.

"Strange, because you're speaking it," she said coldly. "But supposedly this is all in Greek. It means the people of a country decide who will lead them."

"Sounds cool! We should that!" Poseidon said. "I could be leader for a change."

"Hmph. More likely Apollo or Aphrodite, they're much more popular. Because of course the gods would vote based on popularity rather than who would actually be a good leader."

"You think you should be in charge," Poseidon accused.

"So do you," Athena said. "At least I have a reason. And a chance of winning."

"Shut up. Let's get back to talking about that city, could we?" said Poseidon.

"Sure. Whatever. Let's just each of us offer a gift, and whoever gives the best gift gets to have the city named after them," said Athena.

"Good idea! The people can vote on it... we'll have your dim-o-cracky thing," said Poseidon.

So they went to Cecrops Land and explained about the democracy. Poseidon offered his gift first.

"I give you... a spring of jizz!" he announced, forming some rock into the shape of a dick and making jizz spout out of it. "So you will never be thirsty!"

All the girls and the gay guys cheered. Poseidon smiled. "That's a majority."

"Then let me explain this further," Athena said. "You will _drink_ from the fountain of jizz every day. EVERY DAY! Is that what you want, people? Maybe you should see my gift now..."

Athena planted a seed in the soil and in a couple years it grew into an olive tree. The people were still watching, although some of them had left to use the restroom or get something to eat.

"Now you will never go hungry," said Athena.

"Yeah, I'd rather starve," Poseidon said.

"I'd rather die than drink that stuff."

"You don't even know what it tastes like!" Poseidon said in exasperation.

"And you do?"

"Yes, I- I mean, no, of course not, I..."

Athena cracked up. "You know what jizz tastes like... HEY ZEUS! YOUR BROTHER POSEIDON LIKES TO DRINK JIZZ!"

"BITCH!" Poseidon screamed. He jumped on Athena and shoved her into the spring of jizz. She yelled and kicked him in the balls. The girls cheered as Poseidon fell back. Athena grabbed the rock shaped like a dick which was squirting jizz and she was about to stuff it in Poseidon's mouth, but he got out of the way just in time.

"Do you all agree that this city should be named after me?" Athena yelled to the people watching. All the girls cheered. Athena attacked the boys with the stone dick until they cheered too.

And that, people, is why the city is called Athens.

**About the gay guys cheering for Poseidon's spring of jizz... I didn't mean to offend anyone. Yeah.**

**Please review!  
**


	4. Chapter 4: Narcissus and Echo

**I'm doing this one on request too for HadesXPersephone4Ever.**

**Sorry it's so short, I basically did it overnight.  
**

Narcissus and Echo

Zeus was cheating on Hera again (hmm, funny how many myths start like that...). She almost caught him, but Zeus sent the nymph Echo to chat with Hera until his girlfriend went away.

Echo liked to talk and she would always have last say, so she and Hera gossiped for three days until Hera had to use the restroom. Then she caught Zeus (who was still doing it with his girlfriend). Hera was really pissed off so she prevented Echo from talking ever again. Echo was only allowed to repeat what other people said.

So one day Echo was walking in the woods when Narcissus came walking by. He was very handsome, so of course Echo fell in love with him (that's what all girls do, right?).

Narcissus had been hunting with his friends, but then they saw a little white kitten and took it home with them, leaving Narcissus lost in the woods.

"Come back here, you assholes!" he screamed. "Where the hell did you go?"

Echo waved to Narcissus and tried to talk to him in sign language, but apparently he didn't understand. He tried to sign back but it didn't really work - the only sign he knew was 'fuck you.'

"Who are you?" Narcissus asked. Echo spelled out her name in the dirt, but Narcissus couldn't read either.

"I can't read English," he snapped. "Write it in Greek."

Echo wrote ηχώ, which means _echo_.

"You're name is Echo?"

"Echo," she confirmed.

"Erm... nice to meet you. Now, have you seen my friends?"

Echo shook her head.

"Okay, well tell me if you see them. Bye!" Narcissus turned to walk away, but Echo stopped him. She bent down and scribbled _I love you_ in the dirt.

"Uh... that's nice, dear... maybe we can meet up again sometime," Narcissus said, getting a little creeped out. "Do you even know my name?"

Echo shook her head.

"Right... well, bye!" Narcissus called, and he turned and sprinted in the other direction. But Echo, a nymph, could run much faster than he could. She followed him.

"Get away from me!" Narcissus screamed. "Creepy stalker, leave me alone!"

Echo started crying; she didn't seem to realize that Narcissus had already said he was leaving. She ran away and died.

Meanwhile, Narcissus came across a really really really clear pond. For some reason Narcissus hadn't seen a mirror before, or looked at his reflection in the water, and he was amazed at his reflection.

Narcissus also looked like a girl (and for some reason Echo still loved him...?), and he fell in love with his reflection.

"Hey," he said, waving at his reflection. "You're sexy. Wanna get hooked up sometime?"

His reflection mouthed the same thing (at exactly the same time. What a coincidence!), but it didn't say anything.

"Er... what's your name? I'm Narcissus. And I'm single, just so ya know..."

Eventually Narcissus got pissed off at the girl in the water. She kept ignoring him. So he flipped her off.

"Bitch," he said. She flipped him off too. In fury, Narcissus grabbed a rock and hurled it at her. His reflection did the same thing, but for some reason the rock she threw never hit Narcissus.

Narcissus suddenly realized what he'd done and tried to apologize, but it was too late. There were ripples in the water, and he for a moment he couldn't see his reflection. So in despair Narcissus committed suicide.

Narcissus' body mysteriously disappeared and a flower grew in its place.

**REVIEW! PLEASE REVIEW! :)**


End file.
